This week am delighted to introduce the very funny Rachel Hamilton, whom I'm lucky enough to count as one of my critique partners. Rachel graduated from both Oxford *and* Cambridge Universities (so I know who to plump for if I ever have to phone a friend) and has put her education to good use working in an ad agency, a comprehensive school, a building site and a men's prison.

In her wonderfully-titled debut, The Case of the Exploding Loo, out now, quirky twelve-year-old Noelle (Know-All) Hawkins may be one of the brightest girls in her class, but even she can't explain how her dad, wacky scientist Big Brain Brian, spontaneously combusted while sitting in a portaloo. He was on the point of a giant breakthrough with his top secret Brain Ray machine when he vanished - could this have had something to do with his disappearance? Know-All is sure all is not as it seems and with the help of her sister Holly she is determined to find out what really happened to her dad.

1) Uh oh, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Which author (living or dead) do you want riding shotgun?

Charlie Higson. He must have done a bit of zombie-related research for his books so he’ll know how to handle himself. Plus, he makes me laugh and it’ll be important to keep our spirits up now our brains are in danger of being nibbled on by zombies at any minute.

2) Look, I got a time machine on eBay! Where do you want to go? (Said time machine may possibly malfunction and leave you there. Possibly. It was *very* cheap.)

Glastonbury Music Festival, 1998. The year the poo-gulping-machine operator accidentally pressed ‘blow’ instead of ‘suck’ inside the dance tent. My friends were there, and it was their tales of poo fountains and airborne portaloo-contents that inspired ‘The Case of the Exploding Loo’. I’d like to see the poo-fest in real life (From OUTSIDE the dance tent. With a peg on my nose). Plus I wouldn’t say no to getting stuck in Glastonbury 1998 with Faithless, Primal Scream and Bob Dylan.

3) What's your favourite thing about writing for kids?

My favourite thing about writing for kids is that, ironically, it’s writing for me. My favourite books are all either kids’ books (Roald Dahl’s The Witches, Philip Pullman’s His Dark Materials and everything Diana Wynne Jones ever wrote) or big kids’ books (William Goldman’s The Princess Bride Ian M Banks’s The Player of Games and everything Neil Gaiman ever wrote). So, as a children's author, I get to write and plot the kinds of stories that make me laugh out loud and light up the metaphorical lightbulbs above my head.

4) A witch has cast a spell on you (sorry about that) and you’ve woken up as a character in a children’s book – what’s your special talent or power?

Can I have a special talent for storytelling, like Scheherazade from One Thousand and One Nights or Lyra Belaqua from Philip Pullman’s ‘His Dark Materials’? I don’t think I’d want any other superpowers. As a wise half-man, half-spider once said, ‘with great power comes great responsibility’ and I’m not very good at responsibility. Besides, it would be time-consuming having to save the world all the time. How often do you see Batman chilling on the sofa with a good book?

5) What’s the scariest or strangest thing you’ve ever done?

I once took my daughter to a Justin Beiber concert.

I also once had a job working in a men’s prison. I left when they asked if I wanted to go on a training course called ‘What to do when taken hostage.’ That sounds like a joke – it isn’t!

6) What’s something you wish you’d known about writing when you started out?

I wish I’d know how much more fun I’d have writing for kids back when I was trying to write for adults. I’ve always had a silly sense of humour and a lopsided view of the world. The minute I began writing as a geeky twelve year-old narrator, the words just flowed. Now, instead of staring at my keyboard in despair, I giggle as nonsense pours out of my brain.

What’s something you wish you’d known about publishing?

Hmmm... I still don’t really know anything about publishing! One thing I have discovered is how utterly lovely book folk are – agents, editors, illustrators, authors and publishing people in general. All squidgy and delicious, like home-made cookies.

7) What would your daemon be?

A walrus. A fat, happy creature whose main purpose in life is to burp and lie in the sun all day – what’s not to love?  Those tusks!  That ‘tache!  They’re wise too – check out Lewis Carroll’s poem, ‘The Walrus and The Carpenter’ – “The time has come, the walrus said, to talk of many things...” 

When I was younger, other kids used to ask their parents for a puppy or a kitten. Me, I always wanted a baby walrus.  That’s why, when I set up a book blogging site with my sister, it was always going to be called ‘Book Walrus’.

8) My books don’t have dragons (or walruses), but they do have... exploding toilets, smoking shoes, malevolent maths teachers and malfunctioning brain rays.

You make a good point about it being time-consuming saving the world :) *puts feet up* You can find out more about Rachel and her books on her website, Facebook page and Goodreads page, and you can chat with her on Twitter.

This week my guest is the animal-loving, gunslinging Jess Keating, who's wondrously-titled debut How To Outrun A Crocodile When Your Shoes Are Untied is out today from Sourcebooks Jabberwocky. Happy Book Birthday, Jess!

As a middle grade author and zoologist, Jess has been sprayed by skunks, bitten by crocodiles, and been a victim to the dreaded paper cut. She has a Masters in Animal Science and a growing collection of books that are threatening to take over her house. She lives in Ontario, Canada, where she loves hiking, watching nerdy documentaries, and writing books for adventurous and funny kids.

How To Outrun A Crocodile When Your Shoes Are Untied poses the question: What would middle school be like if you lived in a zoo? Ana didn't ask to be named after the anaconda. She didn't ask for zoologist parents who look like safari guides. And she definitely didn't ask for a twin brother whose life goal seems to be terrorizing her with his pet reptiles. Now, to make matters worse, her parents have decided to move the whole family INTO the zoo! Now how is she going to avoid the ruthless teasing of the Sneerers (the clan of carnivorous female predators in her class) – and more importantly, ever get class tennis stud, Zack, to fall in love with her?

1) Uh oh, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Which author (living or dead) do you want riding shotgun?

Beatrix Potter! Sure, you may know her for writing about rabbits in petticoats and gullible puddleducks, but Beatrix was wicked smart and tenacious, too. When she was young, she wrote a diary in code. You'll need that kind of savvy to survive a zombie apocalypse. She also had a whole bunch of land put into trust, so we'd have someplace to stay and survive while the zombies were pillaging the villages. Insider fact: Beatrix Potter inspires me so much I named a character after her! Read the book to find out about my Beatrix!

2) Look, I got a time machine on eBay! Where do you want to go? (Said time machine may possibly malfunction and leave you there. Possibly. It was *very* cheap.)

I would love to go back in time millions of years to see the dinosaurs. If the time machine malfunctioned and couldn't make it that far back, I think I could make a pretty good living as a lady gunslinger in the Wild West.  

3) What’s your favourite thing about writing for kids?

I love writing for kids because they pick up everything. They are so smart, and they are especially good at observing (and not filtering) their own feelings. By writing for them, I get to explore those parts of myself, and dig into all those questions I had as a kid. I also love their humor! Writing How To Outrun A Crocodile When Your Shoes Are Untied was such a great opportunity to create some hilarious situations with kids and animals. I think all writers try to live many lives in their writing, and by writing for kids, I get to play around in a time that's always so full. Full of fun and humor, but also full of heartfelt emotions and newness. I love it!

4) A witch has cast a spell on you (sorry about that) and you’ve woken up as a character in a children’s book – what’s your special talent or power?

I can talk to animals like Snow White! The birds help me do my laundry, deer carry messages for me, and squirrels do my hair. I probably smell a bit, but who cares, I've got an animal army at my disposal.

5) What’s the scariest or strangest thing you’ve ever done?

Scariest: I once had to jump backward off a waterfall of undetermined height in the pitch black of an underground cave in New Zealand. As someone who has a fear of heights, and quite likes to see where I'm about to leap, this one about did me in.

Strangest: I had to stop traffic to save a duck that had imprinted on me and followed me driving home from my job at a wildlife rehabilitation center. Picture me pointing to the open door of my car on the side of the road, saying sternly "Get in!", while the duck begrudgingly hops into the backseat, quacking in indignant protest. Can't make this stuff up.

6) What’s something you wish you’d known about writing when you started out? 

The more you write for publication, the harder it is to get those inner editor voices out of your head while you write. For me, I find it tricky to flip out of 'the business of publishing' (talking to awesome editors, planning due dates, nitty gritty) to the 'creative world of actually getting words on the page'. You need both sides of the coin to succeed, and it's an ongoing learning curve for me.   

What’s something you wish you’d known about publishing?

Things take the time they're going to take. Sometimes, (usually), this means they're going to take quite awhile. You can want things to hurry up, but as Gandalf says, "So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide.

In other words, always be working on your next project.

7) What would your daemon be?

A wolf! When I was little, I used to always talk about my 'pet wolf' that followed me everywhere. He would run alongside my bike, and snarl at my brothers when they ate my dessert. Embarrassing revelation: I still picture my wolf daemon beside me when I'm in scary situations.  

8) My books don’t have dragons, but they do have...  CROCODILES! But also super smart and brave 12-year-old girls, adorkable boys, famous naturalists, smelly hippos, a stuffed unicorn named Steve, safari hats, a supermodel, hilarious shenanigans, and one very mouthy African Grey Parrot named Charles Darwin. 

Wow. A real live wolf daemon. I'm jealous! Find out more about Jess and her books on her website, Goodreads and Twitter.

Not so many years ago, writers had very little information about how to try to publish a book. You bought a copy of the Writer's and Artist's Yearbook, read it cover to cover, and... that was about it. Then you snail-mailed your manuscript off to agents, selling your children to pay the postage costs, built a bourbon-and-cupcakes shrine to the writing gods, and waited.

These days it couldn't be more different. There's a Scrooge McDuck swimming pool-sized wealth of information online, covering every aspect of writing, querying and publishing. But all the same, I often see new writers on Twitter who are lost and don't know where to start. Or there's just so much info out there, they don't know what to pay attention to. So I hope this post might help out anyone who is new and confused about this crucial step on the publishing journey.

So you've written a book, and polished it until it shines with the simultaneously kind and ass-kicking help of your critique partners. WOOHOO! Congratulations. That is TOTALLY the hardest part. So what comes next? 

THE QUERY. Unless you're going to self-publish, most publishers aren't open to submissions from unagented writers. So you're going to have to get yourself an agenty partner-in-crime. And to get that awesome partner-in-crime, you're going to have to write a kickass query, also known as a pitch or cover letter. This is basically you trying to sell your book - think of it as back-cover copy, something that entices the reader (or agent) to buy the book. And some agents don't even ask for pages with the query, so you really need to get this right. No pressure. Here are a few places where you can go to learn how to write the pesky little things and also to read successful queries to see what works:

Query Shark: Run by awesome agent Janet Reid, this place has been around forever and the archives are a font of useful information. Plus, if you're brave enough, you can even send your own query in to be ripped to shreds.

Nathan Bransford: Search queries on this ex-agent's website and you'll find tons of useful information and tips, my favourite of which is his brilliant query formula.

Kickass Query Series: A blog by writer Gina Ciocca with several successful queries (including yours truly's, ahem).

Querytracker: This place isn't just the best site for finding agents and keeping track of queries, it also has a lot of successful queries from former members.

Agent Query Connect: Site with all kinds of writing and publishing info, and they also have a lot of successful queries to peruse.

Writer's Digest: This veteran magazine has a huge archive of successful queries from all kinds of genres and categories.

The Blueboards: If you've posted enough times (over 50, I think), you can put your query up on this kidlit/YA forum and ask the members for help. And don't sniff at helping other members with their queries too. It'll get your post count up if you need it, and critiquing others' work will also help with your own.

Absolute Write: Same as the Blueboards, but for adult writers too.

And of course, don't forget to run your query past your critique partners too. 

So your query's in sparkling shape. What's next? Next you need to research agents. There's no point wasting time querying an agent who doesn't represent your genre, or represents YA but has said that they hate stories about warrior princesses who save the world by turning into a pig when that's what you've written. There are numerous places to find agent information, but my favourites were the agent's own website (yes they might be listed elsewhere but their own site will tell you they've closed to queries for the summer, for example, and most importantly, tell you the correct email address and exactly what their submission guidelines are - ALWAYS FOLLOW THE GUIDELINES, FOLKS) and these two:

Querytracker: Yes, I mentioned it above, but it's so, so helpful, and it makes it so easy to keep track of all your queries. And if you want to REALLY obsess, you can get a paid membership and find out all kinds of extra stats and info. Which I was totally not obsessed enough to do when I was querying. Certainly not.

Literary Rambles: Brilliant site with a big database of links to agent interviews all over the web. Super helpful.

And then it's time to get on with it! It's totally up to you, but I'd suggest sending out 5-10 queries to start with, and seeing what kind of feedback you get. As long as you get a little bit of friendly feedback in return - a partial request here, a 'not this one but send me the next thing you write' encouraging rejection there - then you know your query is okay. In which case keep sending out another 5 or ten every two or three weeks. (Don't wait for replies! Agents are busy and thus often very SLOW.) If you get nothing but form rejections, then revise your query some more, and then get back to it.

And then one fine day an agent will send you a magical email including the words 'I'd like to chat, when are you free?' or 'Can we meet?' and you will do cartwheels and drink margaritas and live in a world of rainbows and bunnies for ever and ever. Or at least until you go on submission, which is a whole fresh level of Hell...