My guest this week is the giraffe-loving, teleporting Susie Day. Susie lives in a boarding school in Oxford and spends her evenings attempting to persuade teenage boys that there are indeed foods that are not pizza. In the daytime she writes contemporary YA and the MG Pea’s Book series. 

Pea’s Book of Holidays (which wants to be a Blytonesque adventure but soon discovers that ginger beer is horrid and that there aren’t usually smugglers when you go on holiday) came out on June 5th from Penguin Random House.

1) Uh oh, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Which author (living or dead) do you want riding shotgun?

Rainbow Rowell. Because I’m pretty sure I can hide in her hair.

2) Look, I got a time machine on eBay! Where do you want to go? (Said time machine may possibly malfunction and leave you there. Possibly. It was *very* cheap.)

The 1920s! Women have just got the vote; they’re wearing the trousers, chucking all that Victorian zzzzz away, cutting their hair and learning to drive! Which is an extraordinarily rosy-tinted posh gel's version of it all that ignores the absence of things like commonplace indoor plumbing and labour-saving devices, the fact that until 1928 the vote was only won for only women over 30, and awkward historical moments like Winston Churchill closing down the General Strike in a distinctly not-like-that-nice-uncle-in-the-textbooks manner. But that’s sort of why I’d like to try it out. In my head it’s a country house mystery featuring Harriet Vane, Albert Campion and Virginia Woolf all kitted out in the House of Eliott Nocturne collection. It would be fun to scratch that surface. Please don’t leave me there, though. I hear the 1930s don’t end well...

3) What’s your favourite thing about writing for kids?

My favourite thing about writing for kids is that the books are short and not about tax returns and where to buy a nice fridge. (I’m pretty sure that’s what adulthood is about, so probably their fiction is too. Yawn.) Also, kids write me the most lovely letters with drawings in and I bet Martin Amis gets NONE.

4) A witch has cast a spell on you (sorry about that) and you’ve woken up as a character in a children’s book – what’s your special talent or power?

Teleportation. My family are mostly back in Wales and thanks to the magical internet, I have lots of lovely writing friends who are spread all over the place - so it’s tricky to meet up. I’d love to blink and be somewhere else. Also I would never again be at Didcot Parkway station listening to the ‘First Great Western are sorry for the delay to your journey’ lady.

5) What’s the scariest or strangest thing you’ve ever done?

Hiking the Grand Canyon - which isn’t strange until you factor in that at school I was the most slumpy PE-resistant predictable bookish type imaginable. Since then I’ve discovered I quite like doing things that make you exhausted. I slept down there for 2 nights in a campsite where you had to check your boots for scorpions before you put them on, and lie down in anything resembling shade from 12-3pm or you’d fry to a crisp - which is quite alarming when you’ve done most of your hiking practice in Welsh drizzle. And climbing back up and out was HARD. But brilliant. Best thing I’ve ever done.

6) What’s something you wish you’d known about writing when you started out? What’s something you wish you’d known about publishing?

I wish I’d known not to be scared to write stuff that you know isn’t quite right, because you’re only going to rewrite it later - and I wish I’d learned how to do that rewriting sooner. My first experience of working with an editor was wasted on me; she made all these suggestions that meant cutting out lines, paragraphs, whole chapters, whole plotlines - and she was completely right, but I couldn’t see how to take my own work apart like that back then. Publishing: silence doesn’t mean ‘I hate you and your book is useless,’ it means ‘I haven’t read it yet.’

7) What would your daemon be?

My daemon would be a giraffe. First, because giraffes are good. Secondly, I love the idea of my dearest Knock-knee stumbling about, hugely, crashing into stuff so I am only the second most awkward presence in the room. We would make an excellent team.

8) My book(s) don’t have dragons, but they do have...  rubbish werewolf jokes, gay people, deep philosophical musings on whether Anne in the Famous Five is tragically misunderstood, and - forthcoming! - a Tiny Robot Unicorn Friend named Pointy.

Haha new favourite zombie apocalypse partner reason :D Also - Tiny Robot Unicorn Friend named Pointy?? SOLD. If those brilliant answers have whetted your appetite, you can find out more about Susie and her books on Twitter and her website.

This week my guest is the very funny Joe Craig, author of the bestselling Jimmy Coates thrillers, which The Times calls ‘The Bourne Identity for kids... Pure gold’. He lives in London with his wife (broadcaster/adventurer Mary-Ann Ochota), his dog (Harpo the labradonkey) and his dwarf crocodile (Professor Sven).

Jimmy Coates seems like an ordinary boy, but he’s not. He’s genetically engineered to grow into the perfect government assassin. Speed, strength and deadly instinct – it’s all in the blood. He has to fight not to kill, while his government fights to kill him. Jimmy can only trust one man to bring the country back from the brink of chaos. When that man disappears, Jimmy must battle the shadow of corruption. But the shadows are darker than they seem, and the darkness reaches further than Jimmy could ever imagine.

Scroll down for the awesome book trailer for the latest Jimmy Coates, Blackout!

1) Uh oh, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Which author (living or dead) do you want riding shotgun?

Obvious choice would be any of the authors who’ve faced real combat. Andy McNab and Chris Ryan spring to mind. Or a survival expert like that Bear Grisly, or whatever he’s called. He’s written a book or two, hasn’t he? Although there’s always a risk with a survival expert that they decide the best way to survive is to eat you. I should find an author who’s just a little bit fatter and a little bit slower than me. So I can eat him or her if we get really stuck, and if the zombies come after us they’ll catch the other author first and I’ll be able to get away.

But I’d also want decent company. I don’t think I’d enjoy being lonely humans on the run with any of those guys. Too serious. So I need a fat, slow, friendly author. Do I have to repopulate the earth with this person? I’m thinking about this too seriously, aren’t I?

Actually, the more I think about this, the more I realise the perfect choice would be my missus, Mary-Ann Ochota. She’s written a book recently (Britain’s Secret Treasures) so she totally counts as an author. She’s also great in a crisis, top-class company, knows all about how to survive in the wild, loves fighting zombies and I could totally repopulate the earth with her. Also, she’s slightly fatter and slightly slower than me. Perfect. Done. Easy. Bring it on.

2) Look, I got a time machine on eBay! Where do you want to go? (Said time machine may possibly malfunction and leave you there. Possibly. It was *very* cheap.)

You’re not going to send me very far. I’m no fool. I’ll go back a week, please. Maybe two weeks. Just long enough to cash in at the bookies on major sporting events. That seems much more sensible than witnessing historical events or finding out what it’s like to live in another time. That’s what we have books for.

 3) What’s your favourite thing about writing for kids?

I’m stumped. I got nothing. I like spending most of my life in my dressing gown, but I think I could probably do that if I wrote for adults, couldn’t I? I wouldn’t have to put a suit on just to write for older, uglier people.

I get no satisfaction at all from the beaming smiles on children’s shiny, silly faces when they read my books and it means nothing to me when parents and teachers get in touch to say thank you for finally getting a child to enjoy reading. Oh wait, yes it does. I’M SO CONFUSED. I do like those things. Are they my favourite things? Tricky. I do really like my dressing gown.

4) A witch has cast a spell on you (sorry about that) and you’ve woken up as a character in a children’s book – what’s your special talent or power?

I can peel a kiwi better than anyone has ever imagined possible. The tragedy is, you don’t need to peel kiwis. You can eat them with the peel on. That’s a real talent that I have, though, not a ‘special talent’ I’d have if I woke up as a character in a children’s book.

So let me try again.

If I woke up as a character in a children’s book I think I’d probably be in a Dr Seuss book. I’m a strange mix of the Cat in the Hat, Yertle the Turtle and the guy that sells the Sneetches all of those stars for their bellies. So my powers would include making a mess, convincing others to make a mess, claiming to be King and selling stuff. Hmm. Those also sound like real talents that I actually have.

Time for a THIRD TRY…

If I woke up as a character in a children’s book I’d almost certainly be evil. Or I could be the James Bond character from those Phillip Pullman books. Wait, that doesn’t sound right. I’m getting mixed up. Probably better stick to Dr Seuss characters.


5) What’s the scariest or strangest thing you’ve ever done?

I fell in a sewer in India, which was both scary and strange. I electrocuted myself (scary, stupid). I fell off a moving bus (also scary, stupid). I fell asleep on a maharajah’s sofa (comfy, strange). I had lunch with Tom Cruise (tasty, strange). I met the Dalai Lama (charming, strange). I flew over a quarry down the world’s fastest zipwire at 120mph (scary, awesome).

 6) What’s something you wish you’d known about writing when you started out? What’s something you wish you’d known about publishing?

I wish I’d known not to get a dog. I mean, I love the dog, but getting a dog is probably one of the worst things you can do if you want to write.

About publishing, I wish I’d known that my publisher really had no idea what it was doing. I should have followed my own instincts and imposed my will much more strongly.

 7) What would your daemon be?

Pigeon. No, monkey. No, eagle. No, cat. No, monkey. No, pigeon. No, orangutan. Can I have a dragon? What are the rules here? Are there any? If there are any I’m going to ignore them. I’d like another me please. A slightly smaller me. Who can fly. And has the gift of foresight. And is also a monkey. FLYING MONKEY FUTURE ME. Excellent.

8) My books don’t have dragons, but they do have...  twists, action, spies, thrills, chases, surprises, mystery, philosophy, depth, power, triumph, betrayal, disaster, pigeons, tricks, and millions and millions of tiny pieces of ME.

I'm entirely with you on the importance of both dressing gowns and ziplining :) Find out more about Joe and his books on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook and Goodreads.

This week am delighted to introduce the very funny Rachel Hamilton, whom I'm lucky enough to count as one of my critique partners. Rachel graduated from both Oxford *and* Cambridge Universities (so I know who to plump for if I ever have to phone a friend) and has put her education to good use working in an ad agency, a comprehensive school, a building site and a men's prison.

In her wonderfully-titled debut, The Case of the Exploding Loo, out now, quirky twelve-year-old Noelle (Know-All) Hawkins may be one of the brightest girls in her class, but even she can't explain how her dad, wacky scientist Big Brain Brian, spontaneously combusted while sitting in a portaloo. He was on the point of a giant breakthrough with his top secret Brain Ray machine when he vanished - could this have had something to do with his disappearance? Know-All is sure all is not as it seems and with the help of her sister Holly she is determined to find out what really happened to her dad.

1) Uh oh, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Which author (living or dead) do you want riding shotgun?

Charlie Higson. He must have done a bit of zombie-related research for his books so he’ll know how to handle himself. Plus, he makes me laugh and it’ll be important to keep our spirits up now our brains are in danger of being nibbled on by zombies at any minute.

2) Look, I got a time machine on eBay! Where do you want to go? (Said time machine may possibly malfunction and leave you there. Possibly. It was *very* cheap.)

Glastonbury Music Festival, 1998. The year the poo-gulping-machine operator accidentally pressed ‘blow’ instead of ‘suck’ inside the dance tent. My friends were there, and it was their tales of poo fountains and airborne portaloo-contents that inspired ‘The Case of the Exploding Loo’. I’d like to see the poo-fest in real life (From OUTSIDE the dance tent. With a peg on my nose). Plus I wouldn’t say no to getting stuck in Glastonbury 1998 with Faithless, Primal Scream and Bob Dylan.

3) What's your favourite thing about writing for kids?

My favourite thing about writing for kids is that, ironically, it’s writing for me. My favourite books are all either kids’ books (Roald Dahl’s The Witches, Philip Pullman’s His Dark Materials and everything Diana Wynne Jones ever wrote) or big kids’ books (William Goldman’s The Princess Bride Ian M Banks’s The Player of Games and everything Neil Gaiman ever wrote). So, as a children's author, I get to write and plot the kinds of stories that make me laugh out loud and light up the metaphorical lightbulbs above my head.

4) A witch has cast a spell on you (sorry about that) and you’ve woken up as a character in a children’s book – what’s your special talent or power?

Can I have a special talent for storytelling, like Scheherazade from One Thousand and One Nights or Lyra Belaqua from Philip Pullman’s ‘His Dark Materials’? I don’t think I’d want any other superpowers. As a wise half-man, half-spider once said, ‘with great power comes great responsibility’ and I’m not very good at responsibility. Besides, it would be time-consuming having to save the world all the time. How often do you see Batman chilling on the sofa with a good book?

5) What’s the scariest or strangest thing you’ve ever done?

I once took my daughter to a Justin Beiber concert.

I also once had a job working in a men’s prison. I left when they asked if I wanted to go on a training course called ‘What to do when taken hostage.’ That sounds like a joke – it isn’t!

6) What’s something you wish you’d known about writing when you started out?

I wish I’d know how much more fun I’d have writing for kids back when I was trying to write for adults. I’ve always had a silly sense of humour and a lopsided view of the world. The minute I began writing as a geeky twelve year-old narrator, the words just flowed. Now, instead of staring at my keyboard in despair, I giggle as nonsense pours out of my brain.

What’s something you wish you’d known about publishing?

Hmmm... I still don’t really know anything about publishing! One thing I have discovered is how utterly lovely book folk are – agents, editors, illustrators, authors and publishing people in general. All squidgy and delicious, like home-made cookies.

7) What would your daemon be?

A walrus. A fat, happy creature whose main purpose in life is to burp and lie in the sun all day – what’s not to love?  Those tusks!  That ‘tache!  They’re wise too – check out Lewis Carroll’s poem, ‘The Walrus and The Carpenter’ – “The time has come, the walrus said, to talk of many things...” 

When I was younger, other kids used to ask their parents for a puppy or a kitten. Me, I always wanted a baby walrus.  That’s why, when I set up a book blogging site with my sister, it was always going to be called ‘Book Walrus’.

8) My books don’t have dragons (or walruses), but they do have... exploding toilets, smoking shoes, malevolent maths teachers and malfunctioning brain rays.

You make a good point about it being time-consuming saving the world :) *puts feet up* You can find out more about Rachel and her books on her website, Facebook page and Goodreads page, and you can chat with her on Twitter.